Thank you so much for replying. I will definitely want to apply this. Especially now that I have cancer. I really have to learn how to manage stress. Every day is a learning process. Thank you. God bless you. 🙂

Same steps L.J.

Work to discover why you are angry with that person. What your underlying fear is, what your positive intention is and what their positive intention is. Do as much of the work yourself before sharing with the person you’re angry with. By the time you’ve gone through this process, you may not even be angry anymore as you realize that it is ALL you!

I really appreciate these tips. I am happy and excited to apply them. I was just wondering how will I be able to achieve a successful conversation if I am the one who is angry to a certain person. What if it is the other way around? Do you have any tips for that? Thank you.

Hi Raeleen,

I’ve been thinking about my response above all weekend and the more I think about it the more I wouldn’t have said what I said.

I’d rather say to the complainer, “What is it inside you that gets triggered when your partner does not take the trash out?” and then look for the underlying fear. Then I’d ask the partner “What is it inside you that gets triggered when you’re asked to take the trash out and you don’t?”

From there, a honest communication can ensue about the underlying motives that trigger the heated emotions. The upset on each side has nothing to do with the trash and everything to do with the couple’s unacknowledged fears.

There you have it. My 4th cent!

🙂 Not so much a wedding ring as a commitment ring.

Thanks so much Bruce, This was helpful follow up.

Raeleen, good question… It’s a totally different topic, but here are my 2 cents worth.

If someone asked me “How do I get my partner to take the trash out?” I’d tell them to stop trying to manipulate their partner to take the trash out and begin LOVING their partner so much that they were inspired to take the trash out, out of love.

In un-conscious relationships, manipulation can feel like the only way to get someone to do something. In a conscious relationship it would be a non-issue becasue the partner not taking the trash out would respond to his partner’s complaint with a willingness to do whatever would bring more love to the relationship.

Now, of course, the % of people actually ready to have think kind of relationship is a lot smaller, which is why some people reading this are going to think that I’m living in a fantasy land.

You can’t force anyone to do anything… and you can’t change people. Using manipulative techniques to get someone to do something is not sustainable in an intimacy if you ask me.

If a partner still refuses to take the trash out, then the conversation to have would be one that gets to the bottom of WHY they are not fulfilling their agreement to take the trash out and dealing with that.

From there you can find a solution that works for everyone:
e.g. the partner recommits to taking the trash out, or they hire someone to take the trash out or get the kids to do it etc…

Maybe that’s 3 cents worth…